Being There
The past few months have been like a roller coaster ride for our family. My sister had a tragic death in her family, my mother-in-law had a hip replacement and not one but two pulmonary embolisms in the aftermath (super scary!)…. and we have other family members in great need of love and help.
I’ve been thinking about writing this post for the last few weeks… about the things we do for each other that lift us up and sustain us during hard times.
When something like the earthquake in Japan happens, the entire world comes together to help. Families and friends make quilts together, children break open their piggy banks to send money, communities put together care kits. We are there for each other.
But what do you do when the suffering is close to home?
As I’ve thought about writing this post, I looked back at the 5 long months when I had premature twins in the NICU with an 18 month old toddler at home. Our friends and family provided endless meals, cleaned our home, mowed our lawn. It was always a balm to my soul when I would walk into my home after a harrowing day in NICU to find a warm meal and a sparkling clean kitchen. In every sweet gesture I saw love in action.
It is also clear to me, having been on both sides of the aisle, that it is much nicer to give than to receive. And even as I cook a meal today I remember how hard it was to be the one in need.
So here is a short list of things that can be done to help:
Making a dinner is wonderful. But don’t forget breakfast. A basket with fresh strawberries, granola, and yogurt is easy to put together… but is also very thoughtful. A friend who recently had a baby told me that someone had brought her breakfast. After a long night with a newborn and a family who needed an early breakfast before work and school, breakfast was an incredibly appreciated meal.
Help clean their home.
Do their laundry.
Press their clothes. When a friend of mine lost her son, she told me that a friend came and picked up their clothes before the funeral and returned them neatly pressed and ready for them to wear. It meant so much to her.
Work in their yard. This is a nice gesture especially this time of year when spring yard clean up can be overwhelming. Planting a few flowers by the front door can really lift spirits.
Take their kids to the park so they can have some quiet time.
Give them a potted flower… something that won’t die fast like cut flowers.
Be there for support.
This is by no means a complete list… and I would love to hear your insight.
More than anything, it is thinking about each other, being aware of each other that really matters.
Beautifully written. Often it’s the small things we do that can mean the very most. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and ideas. :)
God Blesses us with so many things in Life, and the blessing of true friends and family is one of our ultimate blessings,they are put in our lives for a reason. The piece you wrote her was beautifully written.:)
Thanks so much for sharing! And I have something to add. When a friend lost a child, a gal in our group found the best website:
http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/
It gave all of our friends a place to see what was needed and volunteer. We set up a calendar and put lunches and dinners/other needs as items (along with any dietary restrictions) and it was amazing how fast that calendar filled up!
Most people want to help, they just don’t know how or when. This gave them the easy opportunity to look and see what was needed when and they picked a date – said what they were bringing (so as not to duplicate – no one wants 3 lasagna dinners in a row!) and it was set. No tripping over each other, no billion emails to one coordinator. Just easy! And best of all – a huge help to the family without being intrusive…
:)
Thank you for this reminder. What a wonderful post. :-)
I must say that this is such an amazing post. I am saving this for future times. I remember several years ago when the father of a dear friend passed away unexpectedly, I felt at a loss and ended up going out to fill hummingbird feeders and deadheaded roses. It was something that needed to be done and was much appreciated.
Beautiful post. I’ll add:
Make meals that are already frozen and can be kept until needed. Pick up and entertain children that maybe need a break — and it gives the adults a break to do necessary things. Never be afraid to just sit in silence and listen.
We have had a similar year. Layoffs, ruptured appendix, high risk pregnancy of 5th baby, mom with cancer, MIL in ICU for weeks, husband seriously injured 4 weeks post partum (still not back to work), suicide of close family member, step-dad and aunt also with cancer. It has gone ON and ON. GOd has provided through the willingness of others!
Our church set up a care calendar with our needs listed. Men came and winterized our cooler & repaired our boiler, someone built wheelchair ramps, people came and took our kids for a while, babysat for Dr appts, CLEANED, did our laundry, provided their guest rooms for out of town family, took our grocery list and bought all of it, lots of meals both hot and frozen – but also remembered breakfast cereals, pancake mix and syrup and snack food for the kids for other times of day. Someone remembered that with the stress of a new baby and injured husband that my “female needs” would need attention & bought supplies and dropped them at my house. Others brought boxes of detergents and soaps. yard work, animal care, And so much more!
I definitely learned how to behave appropriately when others are in need. And, as hard as it was, I kept a list and sent thank you cards as best I could.
Our friends’ mother was having surgery recently. I know it’s not easy to wait during the surgery. My husband went to sit with them while I stayed home with our boys. I sent two homemade clothe bags. One filled with bottled water & a blanket; the other filled with Dove chocolate (a favorite during stressful times). They were very appreciative & used it all.
Thank you for your post. Here’s another thought: When my little niece passed away, wonderful friends brought tons of food to the family. However, the family was so distraught,the only food they were able to eat were small fully prepared things that could go from plate to mouth, such as small sandwiches, or cut up fruit. When tragedy strikes, no one has an appetite, or the ability to do even simple tasks.
Wonderfully well said. My brother and his family have been going through a terrible trial the past few weeks when his son lost both of his legs in Afghanistan. We are limited on what we can do to help, but we’ve seen an outpouring of love and prayers here in blog land, and Jordan is improving daily.
I remember when my twins were born how wonderful it was to not have to worry about supper because so many took care of that for us. It made such a difference.
Blessings,
Marcia
This was our year last year,. (I would have slammed the door on 2010’s you-know-what if I could have – literally!) We lost our newborn son to a severe birth defect in Oct after a full term pregnancy. We knew it was coming since June but that didn’t make it any easier. Bringing him into the world, then letting him go back to be with the Lord all in a matter of hours was rough. But the support we received was priceless. I had girlfriends that took me to lunch just about every week while I was home on leave. My OB who is a dear friend, took me to dessert a week after he was born and we just talked about stuff. After he passed a friend had called to check on me and left a message. When I called her back, I ended up bawling on the phone in my message to her on her VM. I felt like an idiot but I couldn’t help it. She knows I am not a crier and she and her husband showed up on my doorstep within an hour (and they don’t live close)and just hung out with us for a while. One of my girlfriends from work came to visit while I was still in the hospital with gifts from her and my fellow team teachers and there were things i like to do: books and magazines on crafts, Steak N Shake gift card, scrapbook supplies, books to read etc. So much thought went into it. Two other friends from work gave me a beautiful, engraved keepsake box to keep Xavier’s things in. While I was being induced and they were at our house watching our daughter, my parents did all the laundry and put all the linens away. My dad watered and picked all the dead leaves off my plethora of plants. I could go on.
Thank you for reminding me about the good things that came out of that very hard time in our lives and the people we drew closer to in the process. I love the ironing idea (genius!) and will keep these others in mind. I plan to always be one of those people that takes action when possible.
I love the gift of paper products during a crisis. people can barely feed themselves much less clean the kitchen…paper plates, paper bowls, napkins, paper towels, plastic 20oz cups and a plasticware tray from a bulk store…it really helped.
I couldn’t agree more. Another thought that I have had is that when we allow our schedule to be extremely busy it is difficult to see others needs. We get so busy and concentrated on our own lives that we don’t have time to see the needs around us. So slow down, life is more fun when you can enjoy it and be on the look out for those in need around you. Brighten someone else’s day and you are sure to feel good too!
Always, always call. If no one answers just leave a message of love. So often we talk ourselves out of calling–they are probably sleeping, I don’t want to wake them, it’s not a good time, they have plenty of friends and family etc., etc. It is easy to screen calls if it is a bad time. But how comforting it is to hear a message of love and concern.
Great post. So much to think about. So much to do!