Today is Mother’s Day.  I can’t believe I’ve been a mother for nearly ten years.

It seems like forever.

But it also seems like my son was born only yesterday and I became a mother.

The day Ben was born was the first day I discovered that motherhood wasn’t going to be easy.  Things don’t always go as expected.

I went into labor with Ben 10 weeks early.  After 5 weeks of strict, on-my-back bedrest, my water broke at 5:30 am one late summer morning.

I still remember Drew running around the house (sort of like a chicken with his head cut off)… straightening the house, insisting on feeding me to give me “strength for the long hours of labor ahead”(sweet as he was, I shouldn’t have listened to him… labor and food did not mix!) and double checking my packed bag.  Mostly it was his sweetness I remember, and his nervousness… we were about to become parents.

By 11:00 am, my contractions were getting closer and more intense and we headed to the hospital.  I opted to go the natural way…  not because I was trying to be noble, but because I’m infinitely more afraid of needles in my spine.  Things seemed to be going along quite smoothly.

At just past 1:40 in the afternoon I was ready to started pushing, less than 3 hours after we had arrived at the hospital.  When I started pushing, the doctor observed that Ben’s heartrate was dropping.  But it was moving too quickly by this point for a c-section.  Ben came into the world at 2:00 PM.

The first thing we knew was all was not well.

He did not cry.  He did not take a breath.  His skin was gray.  His arms were limp.  Crushing fear was not what I expected motherhood would bring.

The team got to work on Ben immediately.  They suctioned and gave him mouth to mask resuscitation.  Drew and I waited and watched, hardly able to breath.   After a few minutes we heard a small weak cry.

Then they rushed him away.  Drew followed.

After ten minutes, Drew came back to my room.  He told me the doctor had asked him to leave and come to wait with me.  Ben wasn’t doing well.

After two long hours the wonderful Dr. LaPine (I’ll never forget his name) came into the room.  He was like a ray of sunshine when he told us that even though Ben had had a bad start, he was going to be just fine.

He was 5 lbs. 1 oz., a petite little fellow with wrinkly skin, a wonderfully hairy little back, a head of soft black hair.  He was the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

Truly feeling like a mother came frustratingly slow for me.  It was several days before I was able to hold or try to nurse Ben.  Everything was on the hospital’s schedule- when he could eat, when we could hold him, when to change his diaper.  Every diaper was weighed.  Every attempt at nursing was scrutinized for success or failure.  The twelve days of NICU seemed interminable.

Finally he did come home, and he began to thrive.  Ben was a such a good baby, he made motherhood a joy for me.

In retrospect, Ben’s birth was an easy thing once compared with the birth of my twins.  At 14 weeks premature, their birth and subsequent 5 months in the NICU were filled with many dark and frightening days.

So from the very beginning, I learned the path of motherhood is not an easy one.

For some women it’s infertility or for some it’s having a sick baby or child, and even the loss of a child.

But even when everything goes perfectly, there are always worries- a colicky baby, RSV or croup, a “high spirited” toddler.  And when they are older there are struggles in school, getting picked on by a bully, not making the the baseball team, struggles with friends or self esteem.

And I can’t even begin to think of the challenges of teenagers or adult children…  not yet.

Everything your child goes through, you feel too.  Being a mom is tough stuff.

So why do we do it?

As I watch my children this beautiful Mother’s Day morning, my answer is easy.  Motherhood is so sweet.  The more you give- the more you receive.  I never knew such depth of joy and love until I became a mother.

So I will take the pain and the fear, and know my journey as a mother is made up of thousands of tiny moments of incredible beauty.  The tiny moments that make a life worth living.

Lily, Emma and Ben-  I love you kiddos.  Thanks for making me a mother.

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